Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go. “So I guess that’s that—we’re off and running here,” said Oregon resident Carl Jacobs, raising his eyebrows and drawing in a…

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An Analysis of Which Presidential Candidate Would Be Eaten Last After a Plane Crash on a Deserted Island – Bitter Empire

Let’s be honest: national leadership is a cakewalk when you’ve already got a government and infrastructure in place. As long as you don’t interfere with the integrity of an established system for determining succession or base your entire mission statement on stopping anything from getting done, you can’t screw up too badly. (Personal note to…

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A Brief and Joyful Update on Fuckin’ Craig Mazin, Ted Cruz’s Wonderful College Roommate 

Rejoice and be glad, for it is time for an update on The Slot’s favorite political commentator. Craig Mazin, Ted Cruz’s completely delightful college roommate, is back. Fuckin’ Craig. Love that guy. Ted Cruz, as we all learned together this morning, fought passionately against the legalization of dildos during his time as the Solicitor General…

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